Your Ego at Work
Change is a process. It is also inevitable. The experiences we have in our life often require us to change - to adapt even if it is in some subtle way. As humans, we know this and yet we often find every which way to resist change. Why?
The ego is a complex concept. Many know of it but rarely discuss it in regular conversation. People tend to use the term ego to signify that a person is full of themselves. They may say, “I wonder how (insert name here) can fit their head through the door?” More simply, it is someone’s image of themselves, their identity. It lives in our conscious mind and communicates with our unconscious mind. We all have an ego and we spend years trying to develop it. We work through trials and tribulations to identify who we are and our worth. We get to a place where we start to feel comfortable and then something new happens to challenge this image. The question then becomes how well do we adapt when that happens?
It feels great to feel good about yourself, to have confidence, and to know your worth. The ego helps keep this image safe when it is questioned or challenged. It does not judge, however, so when a person has low self-esteem and negative thoughts about themselves the ego too keeps these safe. When we are faced with change it is the ego that we are often fighting against. We feel anger and pain, frustration and anxiety. We are fighting against the image of what we believe to be true and steady. Needless to say, we are wholly uncomfortable with change and I am just referencing external changes that we may have no control over, but what happens when we have to change internally? What happens when we must change ourselves? We fight that too and it may look more like defensiveness, depression, anxiety, and pain. The ego helps us make decisions based in fear. It says we must maintain status quo, or it will be the end as we know it! As a lighter example, say you want to stop procrastinating. You know you want to no longer procrastinate, however, look how inviting Facebook is when you sit down at your desk. You peruse Facebook for a few minutes before reprimanding yourself for getting distracted. You then open a Word document to get started and you sit there and stare at it for a bit. After a while of staring, you start tapping the pen on your desk, pet the dogs by your feet, whistle a tune, then finally you start typing. Your finished product then becomes your to-do list instead of the article you wanted to write, but luckily on the top of the list is your article. Good job ego, your procrastination is still intact. Now, your ego may be protecting something bigger than procrastination. It may be protecting a thought or idea that may be lying dormant in your unconscious and procrastination is just a symptom, but for the purpose of this article, I want to keep it lighter and discuss how it may show up at work.
The ego can show up in many ways at work. The most obvious one is the hierarchy that exists between employees and employers, managers and subordinates. There is ego in power and there is inherent power in higher positions. When an employee or subordinate questions that power what is the response? Is it anger or defensiveness? Are they shut down or ignored? Why may this be the first response?
Another way it shows up is between peers or coworkers. I recently asked a friend to edit something of mine. She started to provide me feedback (that I asked for) and I immediately became defensive. Calm down over eager ego. I took a moment to remember that I was not being attacked and that I was safe.
It can also show up when coworkers are working against each other instead of with each other. Many companies integrate what they deem ‘friendly’ competition. Done solely for fun then, yes it can be friendly, but when it is done for raises or promotion it can get personal and ugly. As humans, we have the tendency to lose sight of the bigger picture when in full-on combat mode. Every person for themselves is a bloodbath and it is seen every day in and out of work. In business, this means losing sight of a company’s goal or mission. We stop working together and then we start seeing the breakdown in trust, communication, productivity, and engagement. We see more gossip, office politics, bulldozing, ignoring, and people unwilling to do more than what is written in their job descriptions.
Many leaders, managers, CEOs read, take workshops, and learn about how to be a better leader. A lot of these programs focus only on the individual to change and that is a good place to start. I want to emphasize that focusing on the individual is only the beginning and must continue as we learn about ourselves in reference to other people whether they be on our team, a customer or clients, or someone from our personal lives like friends and family. Leaders should be models of behavior and understanding how your ego shows up and when it shows up will help you with that. Understanding your ego will allow you to change your mindset more easily, or at least with a bit less resistance and changing your mindset is often the beginning of real and lasting change. It allows us to understand that we all have a role to play which means we affect both cause and effect. Dr. Carl Jung said, “For primitive egoism, however, the standing rule is that it is never ‘I’ who must change, but always the other fellow.” Let’s be aware of our ego as we move forward. Times are changing and the workplace landscape is changing with it. Are you working with or against the change? Is your ego getting in the way?
“Every ego wants to be special. If it can’t be special by being superior to others, it’s also quite happy with being especially miserable.” Eckhart Tolle
5 of ways to counteract the ego.
1. Be open to feedback. Instead of getting defensive just listen. Then later funnel out what is true and what is not. Was the other person providing feedback out of anger or spite?
2. When you are providing feedback to someone else and they get defensive, verbally let them know you are not attacking them and that they are safe.
3. Participate in team-building events. You’re not too cool for school, but your ego may think so. What is your ego protecting that limits your participation? Is it fear-based? This goes for leaders especially. Sending your team to a team-oriented activity without you is pointless. You are part of the team. It is lovely if your team works well together, but if they can’t work well together with you, well that’s a problem.
4. Notice other ways that the ego may show up. Have a big decision to make? Afraid to take that risk? Are you basing your decisions on fear?
5. Holding a grudge? It’s time to ask why. Learn and let go.
Letting go of ego is acceptance. It's accepting a current situation and making the best of it. It's leaning into the lesson and not getting stuck in the pain. It's changing from victim mentality to survivor mentality. It's choosing to love over fear, making choices based on love. It's forgiveness. It's working through habits and behaviors that are holding you back. It's working through change.